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Everything is starting to look up. I am happy with my friends. And my studies. And my family. And my lovelife. I am happy with ME. |
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What a great way to end my month. My "best friend" hates me. I only trust a few select people. I trust my ex-best friend more than I trust my "best friend". My bst-friend-at-the-moment is the new boy from Iqualuit- the boy I'm falling for. I'm going solo to a Halloween thing on Friday- I really want to wear my costume ok? I'm upset the other party was cancelled but hey, this will do. Oh and at said party will be N. (boy I wrote about in last post, who after that day got wigged out and barely talks to be now. He started off the school year by asking out all my friends- and getting rejected of course- but it still hurt) And now it's snowing and I have to go out to buy new boots. Like buying a brand new coat last week wasn't expensive enough. I'm too cheap for winter.
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i like how you called me. i like how you want to see me tomorrow. and how you didn't cancel on me immediately after finding out i couldn't go over to yours, but you could come to mine. you know you'll have to meet my crazy rents. and that you and i probably won't get the chance to do whatever it was we were going to do at yours. and instead of a river and jet ski we get a pool and a DVD. it's not a date, it's just a hangout. but i couldn't stop myself from excitedly texting my close friend and telling her. and a couple other girlfriends =P you make it so hard not to like you. you're an awesome friend. i mean, we do have a weird relationship. but it's a pretty good one nonetheless. you don't judge me for not being a super athletic stick. because you, yourself, not being a super athletic 6-pack-having stud doesn't judge people based on outward appearances. (but i'm still bummed about being bloated =P) this is too good to be true. good plans like this never ever ever follow through. but i can hope right? SECRET: i've wished on every 11:11 for the past few days, hoping you'd call me/ask me to hang out. |
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I remember the boy I had coffee with, he walked me to work, holding my hand. We ran across the middle of the street, jackets flapping, purse slamming against my side. But it was nowhere near as hard as my beating heart. Kisses on windy June afternoons. I miss the boy I spent stolen afternoons with, who made me feel so comfortable. I didn’t need the camouflage and protection of words or makeup. I wish I could find that boy again. The boy who surprised me with rash decisions. Who came to see me in busy crowds. I remember the fireworks, physical and emotional. They were bright, and welcoming. We exclaimed at them, the little spurts of light, and the huge ones. The finale. But wait no, you told me, there are more to come of course. Fruit... you called me. Loser, I replied, as we both smiled small smiles at each other. We shuffled closer together under the watchful eye of my parents. i felt so safe and cared for. It has not been long, and I feel so far from you. It's like I don't even know you anymore. I just don't understand. I need someone to be there for me. And I do have someone who is, but the boy that I remember and want and need, is not that someone. |
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boys and their mixed signals. like WTF? just be straight with me, that's what i want more than anything- just for you to me direct with me. i kind of wish you went to my school because then i could see you everyday. but then that would probably mean you'd live out in god's land, and then i wouldn't be able to see you in the summer. So maybe it is a good thing you live near my work downtown and that i'll probably be able to see you a lot this summer. POSSIBLY. if we don't get our wires all mixed up. |
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'm finally thinking about other people and their feelings. I've just realized so many things that now seem so simple; why didn't I figure them out sooner? I think that this is partially due to my trip. Going to Europe, going on a plane, being responsible for myself, and caring about people after only knowing them for a few days- it all made me realize how strong the walls I have built around myself are. I'm finally going to let people in. I'm breaking down the facade I have constructed over the past couple years.
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i hate you and want you at the same time. and YOU.
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you're home! you've been home since (late?) friday. i hope your 5 weeks away in zee olde countree was great. jeez im just being a salope, but really, don't email even once when you told me you would. you're so great. and now i get to go to NLS and DIE thanks CPTs/exam studying, you've given my tense shoulders, an aching head and clavicle, and a really sore back. sacre bleu
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so i had to get 4 vials of blood taken today. in case my hives are being caused by an "infection", because I'm not allergic to latex, my allergy is cod. I never eat cod. What kind of infection could I have? I'm scared. Because I have no idea what could be wrong.
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Happy New Years to you! Happy New Years to you! Happy New Years to everyone, everywhere and everything! Happy New Years to you! I love my life. |
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Snow! Our first big fall. And it depresses me so. BUT I talked to Sergio like, half an hour ago and I am so happy. But I was all "Uhm, can my friend come with us maybe because like, I always spend Fridays with her." Partly because I do, and other part because like, I'm afraid of spending time alone with him. But I'm pretty sure I'm dropping into his work on Friday and he sounded happy enough. I hope that tomorrow I'll muster the guts to talk to Mrs. LP and ask for the part in the play, I mean 2 girls have dropped out, so I mean, won't she need at least one more girl? Yes. I think she will.:) Oh Friday I'm[hopefully going to be] in loveee! |
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I just realized how mostly all I've written about is boys and love. Like I have no other life? Well and partly friends. I seem so boring! |
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Yikes. Yes. YIKES. You make me so crazy wonderfully happy that I have to say YIKES. See? That's how you make me! You smile, and your simple touch. It's our little secret. All those people we're around; they have no idea. And I love it. We have such a non-physical relationship. Which I LOVE. Which makes me appreciate you even more. You don't rely on making out and constant fondling to build our relationship. You're perfectly fine with [and seem to prefer], a relationship like ours. Which is one full of talking, and you being so interested in how I'm doing. You asked me how i was like, 3 times in an hour. Maybe you were nervous? Or seriously interested? Whatever the reason; they helped. And I'm glad. I'm glad. You're glad. YIKES! |
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Woo for me. Moving on. More than a month later. Well I think I've been over it longer. But this is the first time I've had to face it. And I'm glad I do. I'm growing up, yeah? Well I can handle this. So bring it :) |
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TRUE but they don't have to end right NOW I will NOT let them... =) |
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Oblivion resounds clearly in my mind; And thoughts of doubt that I had, are now diminished with this new-found sense of knowledge This knowledge of something that could be good but in this context is not. I wonder how I couldn't have seen this, and why I am letting it affecting me so much Now When I should be ignoring it. But I'm not. I'm looking out for you, your feelings. Why am I doing this after you kept me in the dark For so long My thoughts are going around and around and I can't keep it all straight. I don't want to think about this right now, but it seems inescapable. I can't think about that without thinkig about this. And I blame myself for not figuring this out sooner, Why didn't I figure this out sooner? Are you right? I was neglecting you? I was preoccupied? Whatever the reason, I'm sorry.
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My day? had good parts and overall? I liked it. Learning experience? |
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I just don't. I don't need all of this awkward confusion. I don't need girls being catty. Or friends making me wonder if they really are a friend. I also don't need stupid assignments. And equally stupid classmates. I also don't need help. |
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Confusion. Something very common now, yes? Yes. Something that I am becoming very familiar and somewhat comfortable with. it is also a comfort to know that others are confused, so that makes me feel less misunderstood and less at risk of humiliation. And I like that feeling. |
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you confuse me., and yeah we mess with each others minds or i try to mess with yours. and you succeed with messing me up. but anyways, i still don't get it. so, all im saying is you have to work on your "outwardly showing your feelings" skills. |
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cold
distressed
curious