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beccaannabel's journal
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Everything is starting to look up. I am happy with my friends. And my studies. And my family. And my lovelife. I am happy with ME. |
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What a great way to end my month. My "best friend" hates me. I only trust a few select people. I trust my ex-best friend more than I trust my "best friend". My bst-friend-at-the-moment is the new boy from Iqualuit- the boy I'm falling for. I'm going solo to a Halloween thing on Friday- I really want to wear my costume ok? I'm upset the other party was cancelled but hey, this will do. Oh and at said party will be N. (boy I wrote about in last post, who after that day got wigged out and barely talks to be now. He started off the school year by asking out all my friends- and getting rejected of course- but it still hurt) And now it's snowing and I have to go out to buy new boots. Like buying a brand new coat last week wasn't expensive enough. I'm too cheap for winter.
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i like how you called me. i like how you want to see me tomorrow. and how you didn't cancel on me immediately after finding out i couldn't go over to yours, but you could come to mine. you know you'll have to meet my crazy rents. and that you and i probably won't get the chance to do whatever it was we were going to do at yours. and instead of a river and jet ski we get a pool and a DVD. it's not a date, it's just a hangout. but i couldn't stop myself from excitedly texting my close friend and telling her. and a couple other girlfriends =P you make it so hard not to like you. you're an awesome friend. i mean, we do have a weird relationship. but it's a pretty good one nonetheless. you don't judge me for not being a super athletic stick. because you, yourself, not being a super athletic 6-pack-having stud doesn't judge people based on outward appearances. (but i'm still bummed about being bloated =P) this is too good to be true. good plans like this never ever ever follow through. but i can hope right? SECRET: i've wished on every 11:11 for the past few days, hoping you'd call me/ask me to hang out. and you did:) |
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I remember the boy I had coffee with, he walked me to work, holding my hand. We ran across the middle of the street, jackets flapping, purse slamming against my side. But it was nowhere near as hard as my beating heart. Kisses on windy June afternoons. I miss the boy I spent stolen afternoons with, who made me feel so comfortable. I didn’t need the camouflage and protection of words or makeup. I wish I could find that boy again. The boy who surprised me with rash decisions. Who came to see me in busy crowds. I remember the fireworks, physical and emotional. They were bright, and welcoming. We exclaimed at them, the little spurts of light, and the huge ones. The finale. But wait no, you told me, there are more to come of course. Fruit... you called me. Loser, I replied, as we both smiled small smiles at each other. We shuffled closer together under the watchful eye of my parents. i felt so safe and cared for. It has not been long, and I feel so far from you. It's like I don't even know you anymore. I just don't understand. I need someone to be there for me. And I do have someone who is, but the boy that I remember and want and need, is not that someone. |
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boys and their mixed signals. like WTF? just be straight with me, that's what i want more than anything- just for you to me direct with me. i kind of wish you went to my school because then i could see you everyday. but then that would probably mean you'd live out in god's land, and then i wouldn't be able to see you in the summer. So maybe it is a good thing you live near my work downtown and that i'll probably be able to see you a lot this summer. POSSIBLY. if we don't get our wires all mixed up. |
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'm finally thinking about other people and their feelings. I've just realized so many things that now seem so simple; why didn't I figure them out sooner? I think that this is partially due to my trip. Going to Europe, going on a plane, being responsible for myself, and caring about people after only knowing them for a few days- it all made me realize how strong the walls I have built around myself are. I'm finally going to let people in. I'm breaking down the facade I have constructed over the past couple years.
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i hate you and want you at the same time. and YOU.
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you're home! you've been home since (late?) friday. i hope your 5 weeks away in zee olde countree was great. jeez im just being a salope, but really, don't email even once when you told me you would. you're so great. and now i get to go to NLS and DIE thanks CPTs/exam studying, you've given my tense shoulders, an aching head and clavicle, and a really sore back. sacre bleu
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so i had to get 4 vials of blood taken today. in case my hives are being caused by an "infection", because I'm not allergic to latex, my allergy is cod. I never eat cod. What kind of infection could I have? I'm scared. Because I have no idea what could be wrong.
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Happy New Years to you! Happy New Years to you! Happy New Years to everyone, everywhere and everything! Happy New Years to you! I love my life. |
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cold
distressed